Blue Danube: "The Danube Melt"

ATTENDEES:

Columbus Burger Bum, Sassy Slaw, "Mayor of Grandview" (not really), Cousin Slider

PREFACE:

Gene Simmons once sang "I want to rock 'n' roll all night, and party everyday".  What he failed to mention was where he would go prior to rocking and rolling if he wanted a burger.  Well metal-heads, the Blue Danube is just that place.

BURGER:

One of the best things about hamburgers is that price usually has no bearing on whether you think it is great or not.  You can spend three Washingtons on a patty and bun and fall in love with the sandwich immediately, or you could drop a Jackson on a masterpiece with all of the fix-ins and wish you'd gone to White Castle instead.  The gems could be literally anywhere.  Unfortunately for me, I didn't find one at the Blue Danube.

Because of the old-school, rock 'n' roll, diner-type atmosphere of Blue Danube, I felt it only necessary to go with a diner-type sandwich.  Everyone likes a good old fashioned melt, especially during these frigged winter months.  And what's more, it comes with not one, but two sides.  Fries were choice numero uno, of course, but my second?  Ok, this is hard for me to admit, but I'm just going to throw it out there.  I LOVE, and I mean LOVE, cottage cheese.  And if you're serving it, I'm eating it.  Couple that with fries and a burger and I'm in clogged artery heaven!  I'm even thinking about creating a new blog dedicated to discussing the pros and cons of both large curd and small curd cottage cheese.  I'll have to run it by my agent to see what he thinks of the idea. But, I digress.

Back to the burg.  This sandwich definitely fit into the price range in which it sat...cheap.  The patty was barely there, the flavor was dominated by the rye bread in which it sat, the swiss was minimal, and the secondary ingredients were secondary to their own category.  The best part was the thousand island dressing that they put on the side.  A tip of the hat to one of the better melts man has conceived, the Reuben.

This sandwich also had fried onions.  A lot of them.  It was almost an onion sandwich topped with meat.  Very overpowering.  And because of the squared slices of rye bread and the rounded patties, by the time I got to the corner of each half I was just eating "onions on rye"

And the fries were fries, as per usual.  Just like the high school cafeteria....seemingly good because the sandwich isn't too great.  Oh, but even better if dipped in mayo.

RUN DOWN:

Proportion: -1
Flavor: 0
Ground Beef:0
Bun:0
Secondary Ingredients:-1
Fries: 0
TOTAL:-2
 

ATMOSPHERE:

I  would love to blog about the atmosphere's of these bars and restaurants because of places like this.  It was great.  The way I envision it looking 30 years ago.  Old-timey booths, a sticky, faded wood floor, and a ceiling adorned with individually painted ceiling tiles are a perfect setting for rockers of all genres, be that punk, indie, metal or new wave.  And what's more, the classic jukebox played GREAT rock music.  Not one song disappointed.  Oh, and did I mention cheap beer?  You put all of these together, and you'd want nothing more than to sit around with your friends talking about crazy adventures of the years passed and toasting to anything you could think of.

ADD COs:

We went to Blue Danube prior to the Broken Bells concert and it was the perfect start to a rockin' good night.  If you plan on pulling out your old "Frogstomp" t-shirt, only have a 10 spot in your wallet, and just want to chill out, then this is the place to go.  But maybe stop for a burger before hand.

Ringside Cafe: "Smokin' Joe" BBQ Bacon Burger

ATTENDEES:

Columbus Burger Bum, Pickley Pete

PREFACE:

Ding Ding...In this corner, trained by one of Columbus' oldest bars, weighing in at a whopping 1/2 pound of 100% Angus beef, one of the tangiest and most juicy fighters on today's burger circuit...the "Smokin' Joe"!  In the other corner...me.

BURGER:

Crafted through years of burger making tradition and just recently renovated during Ringside's 2008 turn-around season, the "Smokin' Joe", as well as the other burgers on the menu, is an old school-type burger focused on serving up some good old fashion beef garnished with the other ingredients.  If you've been keeping up with my blog, you'll know that proportion plays a major roll in defining the taste of a burger.  Unfortunately for this south paw burger, it's got a body fat percentage of 95.  Mucho carne!  Now, despite how it sounds, I'm not complaining.  I just have to stick to the proper judging.  The meat itself was tender, moist, and oh-so delicious.  Cooked to perfection with a thin layer of char, this patty could KO any other that stands in it's way.    However, the sandwich was lacking in the other necessary ingredients.  The  cheddar cheese barely seemed present, the bacon only popped it's head out once in a while to see how the fight was going, and there was just enough hickory BBQ sauce to give the burger it's last name.  I should say though that the Kaiser bun was excellent.  Fresh and perfectly proportioned, it was an appropriate ring for such an admirable fighter.

To continue with the over abundant boxing metaphors, let me say that the fries seemed like they had been overworked in practice that afternoon and had just stepped out of the showers (weak and wet).  OK, that was a little harsh.  They weren't too bad.  House cut and good flavor....just a little "mushy".

RUN DOWN:

Proportion: -1

Flavor: 0

Ground Beef: 1

Bun: 1

Secondary Ingredients: 0

Fries: 0

TOTAL: 1

ATMOSPHERE:

Awesome.  If you have never been to the Ringside Cafe, I recommend it.  As previously mentioned, it is one of Columbus' oldest bars and really exudes a comfort and warmness that only the alcohol-based comradery of yesterday's bars can provide.  You may be hesitant to continue while walking down Pearl Alley, but once you open the doors, you'll get a sense of welcome that only Norm Peterson and Cliff Clavin could extend.

ADD COs:

Pickley Pete would like to stress that the size of the burger is wonderful and that you should not be deterred from trying any of them based on our proportion and secondary ingredient scores.  Also, for those of you keeping track, Ringside does have Great Lakes Christmas Ale...for now.  Add that to any burger and you've just upped the score.

Old Bag of Nails: "The Pauli Burger"

ATTENDEES:

Columbus Burger Bum, Chunk, the "Mayor of Grandview"(not really), Sassy Slaw, Dr. Feelgood, and Kid Rock.

PREFACE:

For those of you that are Cleveland born and raised, like myself, do you remember the Roman Burger at Mr. Heroes?  It's like that, but better.

BURGER:

To start, let me just say that the best part of this burger is that it is on a hoagie and the meat is formed into an elongated patty that fits nicely on the bun.  The result: burger+Italian sub=tasty delicious.  Unfortunately for the burger, the Italian takes over.  This SANDWICH had all of the right things going on, for an Italian sub.  The savory salami, freshly sliced provolone cheese, banana peppers and Italian dressing were compiled in such a way that it was as though Michelangelo himself prepared it.  Add the tomatoes and lettuce and you have a true Italian masterpiece.  Ah, but then, the ground beef.  I'll be honest, I felt as though "the Italian" and I were getting along just fine and the ground beef was sitting in the corner, watching.  It shouldn't have even been on the SANDWICH.  To add to the debacle, the beef itself was just too greasy.  I questioned whether it was actually the beef or if the dressing was making it seem that way, but my buddy Chunk, whose birthday is June 19th, assured me that this hunk of beef was definitely "a grease ball".

Additionally, the hoagie bun was somewhat of a letdown.  It was crispy, which can be good if prepared correctly, but this one was just too dry.

Lastly, the fries were dry and flavorless.  Not to be harsh, but White Castle (which I will be visiting eventually, so be prepared fellow burger hunters) has better fries.

All in all, I liked the SANDWICH a lot, but because of the meat (and fries) and because this is to be judged as a burger, I'm going to have to say that I was a bit disappointed.

RUN DOWN:

Proportion: 0

Flavor: 1

Ground Beef: -1

Buns: 0

Secondary Ingredients: 0

Fries: -1

TOTAL: -1

ATMOSPHERE:

Old Bag of Nails isn't a secret.  Everyone who goes there is always satisfied.  It's a good food, good friends type place and we all know this. 

ADD COs:

Dr. Feelgood had the Blackened Cajun Burger and the "Mayor of Grandview" (not really)* had the Gaylord.  Both were a bit happier with their decisions than I was, so if you make a trip to O.B.O.N. in the near future, maybe give one of those a try.

*It should be noted that the "Mayor of Grandview"(not really) has the opinion that "hoagies blow", so I'm reluctant to pass on any recommendation that he/she might have.

Club 185: "The Charles"

PREFACE:

So I know that in my last post I said that I was going to be trying the "Double 185", one of Columbus' already well-known burgers, however, after I sat down and examined the relatively small burger list, I couldn't help but go with "The Charles".  Let's just say I could never turn down a burger that would satisfy any breakfast, lunch, or dinner craving I might have.  However, I wish I had...



Sorry for the blur, it was pretty dark!



BURGER:

This sandwich is not just your typical burger containing american cheese, lettuce, onions, and tomato, but sitting atop the McDonald's style meat (yes, about as thin as cheese itself) was an egg.  Additionaly, the chefs at Club 185 spiced things up a bit by placing the ingredients between two pieces of Texas toast.  And who doesn't love Texas toast??

I'll start with the meat.  As many of you know, I always order my burger to a medium grade.  When I did so, the waitress replied in a pleasing whisper "they're always cooked medium." 

FALSE.  Not one of our burgers (mine, Pickley Pete's, Kaiser Permente's, or Colonel Yellow Mustard's - a new friend we happened to pick up upon arriving at the bar) were.  As previously mentioned, and as pointed out by Kaiser P., these burgers were no more than glorified fast food quality burgers.  The meat was lacking in size, flavor and tendernous.  We were all quite disappointed.  In addition, though the proportion seemed visually there, I could scarcely taste the egg and was overwhelmed by the onion.

Lastly, the Texas toast left me wanting something more.  In it's defense, I was probably expecting too much out of it to begin with.  With that being said, it was immensely thick and somewhat flavorless.  Is a bit of brushed on butter too much to ask?

Oh, and the fries were just fries.  Nothing more, nothing less.

RUN DOWN:

Proportion:  -1

Flavor:  0

Ground Beef:  -1

Buns:  0

Secondary Ingredients:  0

Fries:  0

TOTAL:  -2

ATMOSPHERE OF RESTAURANT:

I have to say that I love Club 185.  The atmosphere is very inviting and quite comfortable.  It has a nice middle ground feeling between contemporary club and traditional cafe/bar.

ADDITIONAL COMMENTS:

The price was very reasonable, but I guess you get what you pay for.  I should also mention that Pickley Pete and Kaiser Permente both ordered the double burgers, only to get singles.  The waitress was kind enough to allow them to eat the singles and bring them each two new double burgers that they could take home (or also eat, if their testosterone should happen to kick into full gear).  But once again, they too were single burgers!  Two fumbles on one play?  No good.

Next Stop - "Old Bag of Nails: "The Pauli Burger"

Park Creek Kitchen - The House Burger

PREFACE:

Alright, so I hit up Park Creek Kitchen in Upper Arlington.  Have any of you even heard of this place??  It’s a small place, tucked away on Arlington Rd. in one of the richer parts of U.A.  There, you can find it in a quaint little retail building.  My always trustworthy sidekick, Pickley Pete, accidentally came across the menu on line.  It looked like a classier menu, not the type of menu to boost of greasy, overstuffed hamburgers, however, they had four of them.  And one of them, The House Burger, specifically caught my eye.  Why, you ask?  Try fried pickles.

On

The

Burger

I kid you not!  So Pickley Pete, our inexperienced colleague, Kaiser Permente and I set out to find this mysterious restaurant and the fried pickle topped meat-wich that it withheld…..

BURGER:

It was a cold and rainy night and something in the air screamed of mystic wonder.  Alright, just kidding.  Down to business.  “The House Burger” is a half pound of the finest meat I have ever tasted topped with hickory bacon, blue cheese, fried pickles, mixed green lettuce and a tomato.  It comes with either a salad or root vegetable fries.  Root Vegetable Fries:  A mix of potato, sweet potato, celery root, and parsnip fries tossed in sea salt and rosemary.  Simply put – AMAZING!  I’m your typical fries first, burger second type guy, but with these two masterpieces, I had the burger in my right and fries in my left and was alternating between each bite.  And it was one of those meals that I ate as fast as I could incase I should die right then and there.  Yeah, it was that good.

The burger was perfectly proportionate and cooked to an unprecedented medium grade.  Gently stacked between a fresh Kaiser roll, all the flavors fused together creating a sensation I have never felt, well, while eating.  One minute your tasting the spices of the tender meat, the next the smokiness of the bacon, followed closely by a fresh hint of tomato, and then the dill mixed with fried breading, and then concluding with a flash flood the richest  blue cheese this tongue has ever had the pleasure of meeting.  I mean, it must have bought stock in Google at the turn of the millennium.

I know I know, this is my second review and already I am talking up this burger like it was hand crafted by the burger God himself.  But I have to say, this was one of, if not the, best burger I have ever had.  That’s it.  It just was.  And because I keep picturing Robin Leach showing us this Burger’s house, I’m giving this instant classic a mammoth 5.  Go get one, now.

RUN DOWN:

Proportion: 1

Flavor: 1

Ground Beef: 1

Buns: 0

Secondary Ingredients: 1

Fries: 1

ATMOSPHERE OF RESTAURANT

Small, but kind of uncomfortable.  The lighting was that of a doctor’s office, and the furniture was trying to be too modern eclectic in a setting that demanded contemporary comfort.  Though once you start eating the burger, it won’t matter where you are.

ADDITIONAL COMMENTS

“The House Burger” with fries costs….hold on to your butts…$14.  Worth it????  You be the judge. 

Pickley Pete called this Burger “Legen…wait for it…dary!”

Kaiser Permente blacked out when he finished and came to 3 days later mumbling something about “hope for all” mixed with “I want another”.

Next stop:  Club 185 – ‘Double 185 with bacon and cheese’

Graffiti Burger - The Buffalo Blue Burger

Description:

My first stop on the hunt for the city’s best burger, and it was a good one.  Pickley Pete joined me, as he will usually do, and we ventured into an already expanding Columbus-based establishment (for those of you familiar with the ever popular Columbus-based ice cream shop, I would compare the atmosphere and  semblance of Graffiti Burger to Jeni’s).  The atmosphere was decent, with Columbus graffiti covering the walls and football on all of the TVs, it was definitely a place you could go for a quick burger on a busy Saturday afternoon.  Oh, and yes, they serve beer!

The menu was fairly simple but creative.  You can choose from a list of ingredients and make your own burger or you can choose from a list of their “Awesome Burgers”.  Decide if you’d like a junior size or original size, add fries (yes, add.  They do not come with fries) and you’ve got a hearty meal.  I went with the Buffalo Blue Burger.  A sucker for buffalo sauce and blue cheese, my eye was drawn to it immediately and I didn’t even look at the remaining burgers before ordering.  Pickley Pete opted for the “make your own”, however, being that this is a hunt for a deliciously creative burger, I will always be ordering a “specialty”.

Now, on to the burger….What can I say?  A blue cheese burger dipped in buffalo sauce.  If you’re like me and enjoy the combination of spicy buffalo sauce and cool blue cheese, then this burger is for you.  Proportionally it started off well, but because of the single tomato and fast food style shredded lettuce, by the time I was halfway done I was just eating bun, burger, and cheese.  The meat was surprisingly tender and fresh and the flavor of the burger as a whole was spot on.  Very delicious.  The combination of buffalo sauce, blue cheese and ground beef sent my taste buds into a state of perfect equilibrium.  The bun was typical, but I must say that if you don’t eat it fast, it begins to get soggy from all of the buffalo sauce.  Lastly, the fries, stranded in a state of mediocrity, did their job and nothing more.  All in all, I gave this burger a 1 on my -6 to 6 scale.

Run Down: 

Proportion: 0

Flavor: 1

Ground Beef: 0

Buns: 0

Secondary Ingredients: 0

Fries: 0

Additional Comments:

 Pickley Pete gave his burger a 2, though I can assure you he will be sticking to one to two words descriptions from here on out.  

 Next stop:  Park Creek Kitchen - 'The House Burger'

The Score: Golf style, but backwards.

The scoring system is simple, yet strays away from the norm.  Each category – six in all – is given either a “1” (above average), a “0” (average), or a “-1” (below average).  This means that a total burger score can range from a “6” to a “-6”, with a “0” being an average burger.  I admit, it’s a little different, but I think it will work well.

Next Blog:  Burger #1 – The “Buffalo Blue” from Graffiti Burger.

The Run Down: A detailed look at judging a burger.

Category 1:      Proportion – 3 parts ‘A’, 2 parts ‘B’, 1 part ‘C’ and all parts D-licious

It can be argued that the most important aspect of a burger is the juxtaposition of all of the ingredients within the burger.  To achieve the ultimate flavor explosion, all key ingredients must be represented in precise quantities.  Too much or two little of any single ingredient can catastrophically effect the outcome of the taste of the burger.  But if stacked just right: BHB (Burger Heaven Baby)!

Category 2:      Overall Flavor – “Pow, right in the kisser”

Every burger has its own identity.  For us true connoisseurs, burgers are like fine wines.  There are literally trillions of flavors.  Yes, literally.  If Joe Di Rossi orders a Cabernet and finds it to be lacking in tannins and in oak flavor, is he going to be happy (Ref. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cabernet_Sauvignon)?  From what I read, no.  When I order a Black and Blue Burger, I want the skin of the beef to crackle when I bite into it.  I want to be hit with a Cajun-based punch to the face.  And then, I want to immediately feel the cool sensations brought upon by the blue cheese.  The addition of bacon wouldn’t hurt either.

Category 3:      Ground Beef – “It surrounds us and penetrates us. It binds the galaxy together.”

Now, I realize that many of you have a particular way in which you like your burger cooked, and that adds to the affect the burger has an the individual.  I prefer mine cooked to a medium grade, therefore I will be judging based partially on the “mediumness” of the patty.  The way in which the burger is cooked plays an important role as well.  Is it broiled, grilled, fried, etc?  Other adjectives to keep in mind: tender, juicy, savory, succulent, and finger licking good.

Category 4:      Check out the Buns on that Burger!

Few realize the roll that the buns play in any sandwich.  A burger is no exception.  It all comes down to three questions.  How abundant is the bun?  What is the quality of the bun?  And last but certainly not least, what kind of bun?  Many signature burger joints spice up their burger by straying away from the typical hamburger buns.  Additionally, you always want enough “fluff” in your buns so that they can absorb some of the juices from the burger and other ingredients.

Category 5:      Secondary ingredients – A quarterback ain’t nothing without his linemen.

While it is true that the definition of a hamburger is “a cake of minced meat served on a bun”, it is also true that the additional ingredients of a burger give it its flair.  What would David Bowie be without the glam?  We can start by pointing out the obvious:  veggies must be crisp and fresh, cheese must radiate a specific flavor, mushrooms must be delicate and moist, and sauces must be accompany, but not overbear.  We’ll have to deal with other ingredients on a case by case basis.  The point is these ingredients must bring their “A” game if the burger hopes to clime to the top.  

Category 6:      Fries – Batman’s Robin, minus the gay

No burger is complete without this trusty sidekick.  Period.

If you were a burger, would you eat yourself?

I’m going to keep it simple…I’m a man.  A man’s man.  A working man man.  And I enjoy the simple pleasures that life has to offer, such as drinking whiskey, smoking giant cigars, splitting wood out in the yard and hulling anything I can throw into the back of the ‘ole F-150.  But more than any of these things, I enjoy a good burger.  Specifically, a half-pound burger cooked to medium grade with a side of fires and an ice cold brew.  And I’m assuming if you’re reading a blog about burgers, you enjoy the same.  So come with me, burger nuts, as I travel across all of Columbus with my trusty sidekick Pickley Pete, looking for the city’s best burger…